Hanging in there

                  Everybody loves a testimony about how God has blessed someone with a healing, or a job they needed, or financial provision. I love those stories too. Right now, though, that is not my story. I hope it’s yours, but if it isn’t, welcome to the group of us who are ‘hanging in there’.

            There are small victories though, and I am grateful for them. A couple of weeks ago I experienced probably the most painful night I have ever gone through. Painful physically, that is. My daughter asked me if it was as painful as childbirth, and I had to respond positively; not least because it didn’t give me any breaks, like those moments you have in childbirth between contractions. This was nerve pain, in my back and in my leg. Excruciating. And the worse thing is that the usual pain killers, like Tylenol, Ibuprofen, Acetaminophen, they just don’t touch it.

            My doctor had given my something that would work, but she wanted me to increase my dosage gradually, and the dosage I was on was not making any difference. So that night was awful. The following nights were equally bad, and I dreaded going to bed in the evening. My prayers were frantic – “God help me. I can’t cope God. Please take this pain away. Where are you God? Please help me.” And then I would make it to another morning.

            Even when my dosage increased, my nights were still bad. Then slowly, things began to improve. First I would manage to sleep two hours straight. Then it was four hours. Still the occasional really bad night, but the overall trend was improvement. More sleep.

            It’s funny the things you become grateful for. “Thank you Lord that I slept four hours straight last night. Thank you Lord that I didn’t have to get out of bed until six this morning.”

            Walking is painful too, but my doctor told me that I could walk ‘as tolerated’. That works for me. First I ‘tolerated’ a walk to the end of my road, about thirty metres. Gradually I increased it. It was easier to tolerate if I walked faster. “Thank you Lord that I can walk round the block today. Thank you that I can do it three times a day.”

            My back has been painful for a long time now, gradually getting worse. I used to walk my dog and watch other folks walking to and from the mailroom, or to the garbage. I would think how nice it must be to walk without any pain. Oh the things that we take for granted.

            I’m learning again to be grateful for the little things. Like being able to walk, albeit slowly. Like being able to talk to my family, even when they live a long way away. That is so precious, and I thank God for the wonderful technology that enables me to communicate freely with friends and family.

            My sister lives in the UK. I used to call her occasionally, and spend my time watching the clock, fearful that my chat would cost me too much. Now I can not only talk to her without worrying about the cost, but I can also see her while we chat. And I have been able to reconnect with my best friend from school, who also lives in the UK. “Thank you Lord for this wonderful technology.”

            I’m grateful too for time to read recently. Sometimes the pain is too much, and I can’t focus for long, but other times I can read for quite a while. One book I just finished, reminded me that when I spend time with the Lord, I need to allow him to choose what he wants to say to me. Too often I am nagging him for answers to questions, mostly about direction for myself and for my family. But the Lord wants to have a relationship that is not simply based on me doing what he tells me to. Yes it is important for me to be obedient, but it is also important for me to be reminded of certain things – like I am loved, by the Creator of the universe. Today I felt the Lord remind me to enjoy the moment. I’m a planner, and I’m often thinking about things that need to be accomplished, or directions that I might need to go in. But the Lord was encouraging me to be in the moment, to enjoy what he has for me today.

            I didn’t sleep very well last night due to my pain, but I slept for a few hours, and I am grateful. I haven’t walked far today, but the two kilometres that I have walked were wonderful. “Thank you Lord.”

            I have managed to do some writing today, something that I haven’t done for several weeks. “Thank you Lord for giving me the strength.”

            God is good. In the little things as well as the big things. Let’s remember to always be grateful.